My mom and I once found ourselves in a heated conversation with a distant family friend. Well, they handled most of the talking while I nodded between sips of Pinot Grigio; I am an Aquarius after all. But watching as they discussed parenting, marriage, work, colonoscopies, etc…I began to notice certain verbal trends appearing consistently throughout their dialogue. What began as small-talk, metamorphosed into a one-upping competition somewhere between my third and fourth glass of Barefoot. “I wake up at 5 AM every morning so I can have my coffee, feed the dogs, straighten my hair, and get to work before everyone else,” my mother complained.
“Well I wake up at 4 AM so I can make three gluten-free lunches for my kids, tweeze my eyebrows, drop them off at three different schools, and eat a Yoplait at the red light,” the woman retorted. It was a spectacle nearly as satisfying as an episode of Real Housewives. About an hour later, my mom asked her what her sign was. “Oh, I’m a Sagittarius,” she quipped.
“Oh…” my mom and I shared a knowing glance. The following day, we discovered her birthday fell on the cusp. There was not a doubt in our minds that this woman had been disillusioned. She had to be a Capricorn.
As the grandfather of astrology, Capricorn ranks high amongst the most serious signs of the zodiac. For the most evolved earth sign, success is not a dream; it’s a necessity—an ideology which proves to benefit nearly every Capricorn I know. Think of the most objectively successful people in your life. How many of them were born in late December or early January? I bet it’s more than a few. Their ambition is innate. But with innate ambition, comes innate fear. The astrological goat is so driven by success, that it will unconsciously label casual activities as potential threats to achieving their goals. I’ve encountered this with my Capricorn friends possessing common anxieties such as a fear of flying, or a fear of drugs and alcohol. In some cases, these threats blossom into crippling paranoia, like my great-grandmother whose fears were so paralyzing, she opted for a life spent entirely indoors.
Most Capricorns hide their paranoia better than my great-grandmother, of course. Often dawning a trendy black outfit with eye makeup leftover from the night before, they make greasy hair look hot. Many exude a “coolness” factor that appears effortless. Don’t let them fool you, however. Their tumblr-esque appearance does require effort. I know this because when I attempt the unwashed look, the results are less “Capricorn chic” and more “homeless girl realness.” In fact, everything Capricorn does is done with a purpose—it is an earth sign, after all. And as the last of the earth signs, these overachievers possess a refined sense of humor and taste, which is influenced by their universal way of thinking. But perhaps it’s this same universal understanding that makes these individuals so cautious. Their concerns are with the world at large, and the world is a scary place.
There is one thing that aids Capricorns fears—money. Money provides a safety blanket, a hand-woven discounted safety blanket to hug Capricorn and ward off nightmares of home burglaries and messy kitchens. But it’s not all business for the Mr. Krabs of astrology. The more fiery Caps can be spotted at parties smoking weed and dropping the F-bomb an octave higher than their fellow guests. But once they’ve had their fun, they’ll exit gracefully. Choosing to retreat before the trouble starts, they set their alarm for work in the morning and find solace in the place they deem most comfortable—their home. It is when I wake up at a friend’s house, hungover and running late for my glamorous job as a puppet to the Steve Harvey Show that I wish I had more Capricorn in my chart. But for now, I’ll listen to Steve ramble on about how exhausting having six television shows is (Steve Harvey is a Capricorn too) and vow to leave the next party when the Capricorns leave.
It may seem immature when your Pisces moon friend breaks down crying because you didn’t offer them coffee in the morning. But listen to the words they’re spouting between incoherent sobs, and you’ll soon realize it’s not about the coffee. And if you let them cry it out, you’ll discover exactly what the problem is. They won’t hang on to their anger and use it against you later like a Scorpio. Pisces is far too genuine for that, and they didn’t want to submerge you in their deep sea of emotion in the first place. The difference between Pisces and the rest of the water signs is that Pisces love to maintain a positive attitude. However, they’re still a water sign. They can’t start a single task until they’ve fully experienced the pain, but once they have, that’s it. You can continue your day, void of weirdness and anxiety.
Pisces pick up on astrology faster than Disney channel stars drop their first pop albums. It’s easy to grasp the sign descriptions you read in September’s issue of Cosmo, but the twelfth sign takes this to another level. One second you’ll be describing Aries’ essence, and the next they’ll be the star of the party, guessing everyone’s signs with 95% accuracy. “She’s an Aries, isn’t she?” Miranda will whisper. “That’s right. She is an Aries.” If you’re anything like me, this will prompt a combination of jealousy, pride, and admiration for the naturally-gifted water sign. It’s never long before my Pisces students, become the Pisces teachers, rewarding me with anecdotes such as “Libras don’t want you to think they’re crazy, but boy are they crazy.” Their gift lies in their ability to feel. They don’t overthink, they experience.
Sure, they miss minor details, like how much time it will take to drive from Plantation to Fort Lauderdale, or the number of times they stated their last sentence in varying ways. But it’s because they leave those monotonies to the Taureans and Virgos of the group. Pisces have bigger fish to fry. Get it? Because their symbol is the fish? …I apologize. I have too many planets in Pisces.
Of course, this couldn’t be further from the truth. A dose of Gemini in your chart is hardly a death sentence. In fact, I usually tell them to avoid the cliché sign descriptions you find in magazines and watch an episode of Gilmore Girls instead, which my mom and I define as the most accurate display of astrology’s symbolic twins. It contains all of the sign’s greatest traits, neatly packed in forty-three minute segments of speedy banter, Stars Hallow gossip, and witty comebacks. It’s worth noting that Lauren Graham is a Gemini moon herself.
And while they may have short attention spans, they’re also some of the best conversationalists I’ve ever met. Their brains seem to operate at a pace twice the speed of any other sign, which is a great testament to their wit and innate ability to excel at comedy—especially Improv. Perhaps their talent with words is why so many successful rappers were born in early June. I can always spot a Gemini because they’re fun in a more complex way than Leo or Aries. It’s not that they’re the last ones at the party, or the loudest, or even the heaviest drinkers. It’s that they radiate a certain intelligent humor and effortless charisma that makes everyone else seem incredibly dull. Geminis have something uniquely special. Perhaps everyone else is simply jealous.
Whenever I find myself doubting astrology, it’s always the same sign that brings me back to my senses. All it takes is one conversation, or interview rather, with a bubbly blonde to remind me of the obvious consistencies that make studying astrology so worthwhile. After about an hour of answering questions about myself, eliciting enthused “ooohs” and “ahhs” from my conversation counterpart, I feel confident enough to ask the inevitable: “Are you a Libra?” Conversations with Libras have the same sort of unique energy as attending a Broadway musical. Bringing joy to the audience is always the primary goal. Many Libras will execute this idea with such impeccable form and flair that it will leave those who are void of Libra’s talents feeling inferior. Big fat losers in the art of conversation. And as the ultimate relationship sign, Libra must receive the same efforts they so lovingly impart on others.
Your sweet loved one who once showered you with compliments and love letters, may stop offering to pick up your vanilla latte before your mani/pedi appointment. It could leave those they’re close with feeling like all of that affection they were once so eager to extend, was actually just a show. And most Libras would never admit this, but for many it does becomes an artificial display--a show that requires great time and effort. However, they continue to perform with sunny stamina because they expect to receive orchestra tickets to your limited run of “Libra Appreciation: The Musical” the following weekend. It is no wonder why some of the personal signs complain that Venus’ ruler makes them feel like shit.
“That’s when you know someone doesn’t know shit about astrology. When they say something idiotic like, ‘I hate Aquarians.’ Like, that’s not possible. They’re wrong.” -Alex Nightingale
Aquarians want everyone to get along, but they’ll stop before their actions lead to confrontation. There’s a reason why you never see an Aquarius on Real Housewives. Art acts as a medium for the humble Aquarius to express all their unspoken ideas. And they tend to be pretty good at it. The quality of their art is of the upmost importance, and they have the focus to execute a project to perfection. Plus, if you know an Aquarius well, you’ll know that behind their eccentric exterior, lies a chronic fear of embarrassment. However, this fear fuels them, and it tends to pay off once the project is complete.
This air sign doesn’t shine in a room bustling with acquaintances. They’re not like Libra or Gemini. Aquarians are the wallflowers observing everyone from the corner of the party. Arms crossed, mouth stiff, they’re most likely sporting their best resting-bitch-face. But don’t let their detached nature fool you, these people are far from bitchy! Start a conversation with them and you’ll be surprised by their eagerness to discuss any topic. They love conversation, but they prefer debating Game of Thrones fan theories, to discussing the fluctuating humidity in Fort Lauderdale. If you’re skilled enough to move past small-talk, you’ll find that Aquarians are an excellent buddy to have. Their support is unwavering, and they seldom turn down an adventure. They’re there when you need them, and they know when to give you your space too. In the end, they just want to facilitate peace and help everyone get along. “Unless that’s not what you want! Whatever you want is fine. I’m go with the flow.” -An Aquarius in response to this article probably
I collect Cancer-rising friends the way I used to collect state quarters, with patience and appreciation as I quietly gawk at their beauty. I used to judge their sensitive exteriors, fiddling with my hair tie as I noticed the liquid forming in their eyes. ‘Oh god,’ I’d think. ‘They’re gonna want me to comfort them. I’m an Aquarius. I don’t know how to do that shit.’ As I’ve entered adulthood and befriended more and more Cancer-ascendants, I’ve come to understand them better than the 2nd grade version of myself who made my Cancer-rising grandmother cry at a cheerleading competition. They’re sensitive—yes. And it is not a quality they’re proud of. However, unlike a lot of Aquarians, they don’t judge others for spontaneous outbursts. As I become more in touch with my planets in Pisces, and endure breakup after breakup, and live in a world where Trader Joe’s discontinues their champagne vinaigrette, I find myself depending on my Cancer friends. I know that when I knock on Jordee’s door at 11PM after I’ve just been dumped, she’ll listen while I cry, make me toast, and force me to drink water. And two weeks later, she’ll check-in to repeat the process without complaint.
With that being said, I advise everyone to go hug a Cancer today. However, there is a dark side to the first of the water signs. All that love and emotion doesn’t come without its, sometimes irrational, dramatics. After all, Taylor Swift is a Cancer moon. But understanding that it usually comes from a place of raw, uninhibited emotion makes it difficult for us to fault them. They make excellent best friends. But maybe take caution before handing them a guitar and a country record deal.
If you pay attention to your Facebook notifications around August, you might notice a peculiar trend. Perhaps the profile pictures flooding your Birthday feed seem oddly…similar? A well-crafted selfie with a subtle Valencia haze? Long hair framing the face, unkempt yet styled to perfection? Eyes wide, smile soft? It’s as if they’re hiding a piece of gossip so destructive, even Blair Waldorf should take caution. This hot trend can be described in two words: Leo face. Taking Instagram by storm, Teen Vogue predicts this craze will be hotter than the 2016 choker come-back. And why shouldn’t it be? Leos are hot. Not just in the way they can execute a selfie to Paris Hilton level flawlessness (who just happens to be a Leo moon herself), but also in the way they carry themselves.
But let’s not forget about the more reserved Leos. Even the shyest of the fixed fire, when in the right setting, will light up the room with giggles when interacting with a close friend. Their quiet, yet powerful presence, won’t go unnoticed by the group. And how could they when they look so damn fierce? So the next time you spot Leo face, give that selfie a double tap. They’ll appreciate it more than you know. And in the words of Paris Hilton, “That’s hot.”
Does my closet have enough space for my Taurus moon? I considered asking my landlord this as she began her tour of our new apartment. My triple air roomie seemed to think it was just fine, clapping his hands with uninhibited enthusiasm at every reveal of a new nook or cranny. My new closet is the largest I’ve ever had the pleasure of owning. It takes up the length of an entire wall, with a wide shelf adorning the top. The left side has two rods, one several feet above the other, to allow for twice the storage. The right side is mammoth, with dimensions almost deep enough to encompass my dozens of sequined accent jackets. But in regard to my original question, the answer is no. My closet is not big enough for my Taurus moon. I’m not sure if Kim Kardashian’s closet is big enough for my Taurus moon. And why is that? Because I love things.
My other roommate is a double Taurus. He never has enough money for the five dollar cover at Clifton’s, yet it seems like every day there’s a new package at our door. I sigh as I turn over the cardboard and discover what I already knew. Another package for the double Taurus. What is it this time? Another criterion DVD? Another Blondie record on vinyl? Fancy caramel syrup for his morning latte? All of the above?
Christian and I have both been labeled “stingy” at one point or another, but he’s not stingy when it comes to Trader Joes’ fresh mozzarella, and I’m not stingy when it comes to Argon oil shampoo, because although I wear my hair curly, I need the Brazilian oils to reduce frizz while I live in the least humid city in the world. It’s worth ten extra bucks, I promise. Or at least that’s how I rationalize it at the CVS self-checkout. What I’m trying to say is, it’s not a matter of being stingy, it is a matter of knowing our opinions and having the patience and determination to obtain the objects we deem valuable. We’ll take caution to avoid spending more than we have, because how else will we accumulate the funds for our following purchase? I’ll eat nothing but pasta for a week if it means I’ll be able to afford the pair of pastel pink Adidas I’ve been eyeing since Sunday. And now they’re half off! It’s a life of earthy comfort, a life of simple pleasures, a life of pretty mugs and good sex. It’s a pleasant existence to take part in, if only I had a second closet.