What do Kanye West, Donald Trump, Scott Disick, and most of my ex-boyfriends have in common? They’re all Geminis. Before I even began studying astrology, I was well aware of the overwhelming notoriety of the third zodiac sign. It’s the sign everyone loves to talk about! Whether that’s due to this air sign’s subtle obsession with gossip, their need to brag about themselves, or the fact that most Geminis find astrology truly fascinating. There’s no denying Gemini takes the lead for the most stereotypes, rap references, and unforgiving articles of all twelve zodiac signs. To put it simply, they have a bad reputation. With that being said, they’re perhaps the only sign that has such a wide array of hugely successful individuals born between its allotted dates. There is no other sign that I could spit-fire twenty or so household names without pausing for a single second. For every Gemini who pisses us off, there is another who we love and admire. There’s just something about them—a certain aura that makes them captivating, unpredictable, and immensely entertaining.
There’s always that moment at any social gathering where strangers discover that I’m a world-famous astrologer, and ask me to deliver a quick diagnosis of their chart. Most people know their sun sign, but have little knowledge of their moon or ascendant. If the results come out Gemini, I always receive the same response: “Oh no, that’s the worst one! Does that mean I’m a two-faced asshole?” So I give my best Gemini reply and quip, “Yes. Yes, it does. I’m so sorry. We can’t all be perfect Aquarians.” Of course, this couldn’t be further from the truth. A dose of Gemini in your chart is hardly a death sentence. In fact, I usually tell them to avoid the cliché sign descriptions you find in magazines and watch an episode of Gilmore Girls instead, which my mom and I define as the most accurate display of astrology’s symbolic twins. It contains all of the sign’s greatest traits, neatly packed in forty-three minute segments of speedy banter, Stars Hallow gossip, and witty comebacks. It’s worth noting that Lauren Graham is a Gemini moon herself.
The more stereotypical Geminis may rub it in your face that you were wrong about the correct spelling of “Pennsylvania”, spend the majority of your Starbucks date texting because you’ve lost their interest, or make you feel like you can’t say anything that doesn’t prompt some kind of sarcastic response. However, no one wants to admit that a lot of Geminis win arguments simply because they devote hours to learning about topics most people don’t give a shit about. And while they may have short attention spans, they’re also some of the best conversationalists I’ve ever met. Their brains seem to operate at a pace twice the speed of any other sign, which is a great testament to their wit and innate ability to excel at comedy—especially Improv. Perhaps their talent with words is why so many successful rappers were born in early June. I can always spot a Gemini because they’re fun in a more complex way than Leo or Aries. It’s not that they’re the last ones at the party, or the loudest, or even the heaviest drinkers. It’s that they radiate a certain intelligent humor and effortless charisma that makes everyone else seem incredibly dull. Geminis have something uniquely special. Perhaps everyone else is simply jealous.
Whenever I find myself doubting astrology, it’s always the same sign that brings me back to my senses. All it takes is one conversation, or interview rather, with a bubbly blonde to remind me of the obvious consistencies that make studying astrology so worthwhile. After about an hour of answering questions about myself, eliciting enthused “ooohs” and “ahhs” from my conversation counterpart, I feel confident enough to ask the inevitable: “Are you a Libra?” Conversations with Libras have the same sort of unique energy as attending a Broadway musical. Bringing joy to the audience is always the primary goal. Many Libras will execute this idea with such impeccable form and flair that it will leave those who are void of Libra’s talents feeling inferior. Big fat losers in the art of conversation. And as the ultimate relationship sign, Libra must receive the same efforts they so lovingly impart on others.
This upbeat air sign excels in relationships. They love to have a significant other and love to nurture those they care for in an all-encompassing Mary Poppins kind of way. But as the astrological scale, all of this giving and taking must remain fair and balanced. And not in the Fox News sense, but in the ‘if I send you a box of chocolates, I better receive a damn thank you card’ sense. Forgetting to thank a Libra will alter the dynamic of your relationship. Your sweet loved one who once showered you with compliments and love letters, may stop offering to pick up your vanilla latte before your mani/pedi appointment. It could leave those they’re close with feeling like all of that affection they were once so eager to extend, was actually just a show. And most Libras would never admit this, but for many it does becomes an artificial display--a show that requires great time and effort. However, they continue to perform with sunny stamina because they expect to receive orchestra tickets to your limited run of “Libra Appreciation: The Musical” the following weekend. It is no wonder why some of the personal signs complain that Venus’ ruler makes them feel like shit.
Engaging in an intimate relationship with Libras can often feel like you’ve entered an intimate relationship with Santa Claus. My October 7th grandmother once purchased four Victoria’s Secret bombshell bras for me in one trip to the Pembroke Lakes Mall, because she cared about me and my junior high insecurities, but also because she understood the importance of feeling attractive. Rarely caught without a fresh manicure and blown out mane, Libras have a certain love and admiration for all things beautiful. Their mates are typically gorgeous in that effortless Blake Lively kind of way. I have proof in the slew of my best friend’s history of men, each a variation of Channing Tatum look-a-likes. Seriously, you should scroll through Alex’s Facebook, or any nearby Abercrombie catalogue for the same effect. But beyond superficial attraction, Libras are drawn to those who are beautiful on the inside, which I hypothesize is the reason behind their obsession with dogs, and animals in general. What’s more pure and beautiful than a golden retriever? I’ll tell you who, no one. Not even Channing Tatum.
With all that said, I encourage you—South Florida Astrologer blog readers, to extend your Thanksgiving tradition, and thank a Libra today. It will make their day, and they’re certainly deserving of some praise now and then.
“That’s when you know someone doesn’t know shit about astrology. When they say something idiotic like, ‘I hate Aquarians.’ Like, that’s not possible. They’re wrong.” -Alex Nightingale
Aquarians want everyone to get along, but they’ll stop before their actions lead to confrontation. There’s a reason why you never see an Aquarius on Real Housewives. Art acts as a medium for the humble Aquarius to express all their unspoken ideas. And they tend to be pretty good at it. The quality of their art is of the upmost importance, and they have the focus to execute a project to perfection. Plus, if you know an Aquarius well, you’ll know that behind their eccentric exterior, lies a chronic fear of embarrassment. However, this fear fuels them, and it tends to pay off once the project is complete.
This air sign doesn’t shine in a room bustling with acquaintances. They’re not like Libra or Gemini. Aquarians are the wallflowers observing everyone from the corner of the party. Arms crossed, mouth stiff, they’re most likely sporting their best resting-bitch-face. But don’t let their detached nature fool you, these people are far from bitchy! Start a conversation with them and you’ll be surprised by their eagerness to discuss any topic. They love conversation, but they prefer debating Game of Thrones fan theories, to discussing the fluctuating humidity in Fort Lauderdale. If you’re skilled enough to move past small-talk, you’ll find that Aquarians are an excellent buddy to have. Their support is unwavering, and they seldom turn down an adventure. They’re there when you need them, and they know when to give you your space too. In the end, they just want to facilitate peace and help everyone get along. “Unless that’s not what you want! Whatever you want is fine. I’m go with the flow.” -An Aquarius in response to this article probably
I collect Cancer-rising friends the way I used to collect state quarters, with patience and appreciation as I quietly gawk at their beauty. I used to judge their sensitive exteriors, fiddling with my hair tie as I noticed the liquid forming in their eyes. ‘Oh god,’ I’d think. ‘They’re gonna want me to comfort them. I’m an Aquarius. I don’t know how to do that shit.’ As I’ve entered adulthood and befriended more and more Cancer-ascendants, I’ve come to understand them better than the 2nd grade version of myself who made my Cancer-rising grandmother cry at a cheerleading competition. They’re sensitive—yes. And it is not a quality they’re proud of. However, unlike a lot of Aquarians, they don’t judge others for spontaneous outbursts. As I become more in touch with my planets in Pisces, and endure breakup after breakup, and live in a world where Trader Joe’s discontinues their champagne vinaigrette, I find myself depending on my Cancer friends. I know that when I knock on Jordee’s door at 11PM after I’ve just been dumped, she’ll listen while I cry, make me toast, and force me to drink water. And two weeks later, she’ll check-in to repeat the process without complaint.
With that being said, I advise everyone to go hug a Cancer today. However, there is a dark side to the first of the water signs. All that love and emotion doesn’t come without its, sometimes irrational, dramatics. After all, Taylor Swift is a Cancer moon. But understanding that it usually comes from a place of raw, uninhibited emotion makes it difficult for us to fault them. They make excellent best friends. But maybe take caution before handing them a guitar and a country record deal.
If you pay attention to your Facebook notifications around August, you might notice a peculiar trend. Perhaps the profile pictures flooding your Birthday feed seem oddly…similar? A well-crafted selfie with a subtle Valencia haze? Long hair framing the face, unkempt yet styled to perfection? Eyes wide, smile soft? It’s as if they’re hiding a piece of gossip so destructive, even Blair Waldorf should take caution. This hot trend can be described in two words: Leo face. Taking Instagram by storm, Teen Vogue predicts this craze will be hotter than the 2016 choker come-back. And why shouldn’t it be? Leos are hot. Not just in the way they can execute a selfie to Paris Hilton level flawlessness (who just happens to be a Leo moon herself), but also in the way they carry themselves.
But let’s not forget about the more reserved Leos. Even the shyest of the fixed fire, when in the right setting, will light up the room with giggles when interacting with a close friend. Their quiet, yet powerful presence, won’t go unnoticed by the group. And how could they when they look so damn fierce? So the next time you spot Leo face, give that selfie a double tap. They’ll appreciate it more than you know. And in the words of Paris Hilton, “That’s hot.”
Does my closet have enough space for my Taurus moon? I considered asking my landlord this as she began her tour of our new apartment. My triple air roomie seemed to think it was just fine, clapping his hands with uninhibited enthusiasm at every reveal of a new nook or cranny. My new closet is the largest I’ve ever had the pleasure of owning. It takes up the length of an entire wall, with a wide shelf adorning the top. The left side has two rods, one several feet above the other, to allow for twice the storage. The right side is mammoth, with dimensions almost deep enough to encompass my dozens of sequined accent jackets. But in regard to my original question, the answer is no. My closet is not big enough for my Taurus moon. I’m not sure if Kim Kardashian’s closet is big enough for my Taurus moon. And why is that? Because I love things.
My other roommate is a double Taurus. He never has enough money for the five dollar cover at Clifton’s, yet it seems like every day there’s a new package at our door. I sigh as I turn over the cardboard and discover what I already knew. Another package for the double Taurus. What is it this time? Another criterion DVD? Another Blondie record on vinyl? Fancy caramel syrup for his morning latte? All of the above?
Christian and I have both been labeled “stingy” at one point or another, but he’s not stingy when it comes to Trader Joes’ fresh mozzarella, and I’m not stingy when it comes to Argon oil shampoo, because although I wear my hair curly, I need the Brazilian oils to reduce frizz while I live in the least humid city in the world. It’s worth ten extra bucks, I promise. Or at least that’s how I rationalize it at the CVS self-checkout. What I’m trying to say is, it’s not a matter of being stingy, it is a matter of knowing our opinions and having the patience and determination to obtain the objects we deem valuable. We’ll take caution to avoid spending more than we have, because how else will we accumulate the funds for our following purchase? I’ll eat nothing but pasta for a week if it means I’ll be able to afford the pair of pastel pink Adidas I’ve been eyeing since Sunday. And now they’re half off! It’s a life of earthy comfort, a life of simple pleasures, a life of pretty mugs and good sex. It’s a pleasant existence to take part in, if only I had a second closet.